To be honest ( which seems to be a curse more lately than a relief), it's been a really crazy week around here. Getting back from Oregon just a few days ago has felt more like coming home from an overseas country. Everyone in my household is off....staying up very late and sleeping in very late. Reality will settle in soon enough as Tim will go back to work on Tuesday and Preston will start school Wednesday. The grocery selection in our house has been limited at best and in between doctors appointments (Preston's had a flu bug) and New Years Eve gatherings we have not made the time to go to store. All that ranting to say...there has been no sort of normal here for days.
Today however, is New Years Day, and I felt a significant pull to at least journal a tad bit. Although I've been captivated by my old, and now again fresh new love of novel reading....I have felt a tinge of conviction today. Part of my recent late nights (in addition to the awkward two hour time change) have been due to being so engrossed in the vivid stories in my head as I read my latest book. How very easy it is to stay up until 3am reading when it's something I desire to be doing...but how difficult it is to stop when I know there is something I SHOULD be doing....uh, like readying daily scripture. I feel like I have a brand new perspective on what Paul says in Romans, "I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I HATE, but if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good." Now. I don't hate reading my novels nor is it wrong...but ignoring my daily devotion time to find out more about the characters latest adventure is nothing more than a fleeting earthly trap to say the least. Here is where the balance I so hope to absorb from Christ is starting to work in my heart. It doesn't have to be just one way over the other....or binge eating over strict dieting (to bring a very near and dear subject back to the light) but instead I can hear from God, invest time with Him, and then enjoy the humanly entertainment on this earth guilt free, and perspective full.
Anyway, that wasn't exactly what I was going to write about today...but my popcorn mind lead me there. I do however have a little struggle I am wrestling with today, and I will surely seek this in my quiet time to come here in a moment. As I mentioned my commitment in my earlier blog to "not diet" this year, I am not quite sure yet at what point that starts and stops. My weakness is the extremism that I seem to always falter to especially in the area of my salvation and also in my biggest stronghold- food and body issues.
My question/struggle is do I weigh myself ? And if so, when? This is the longest I have gone without weighing myself and that was the day before Thanksgiving of 2011. After gaining back about 25 to 30 pounds of a large amount of weight lost last year I was in a very deep and dark depression that I can only know as a shame so great I could hardly stand myself. In the recovery world I believe it to be called, "rock bottom". Shortly after this misery is when I heard God asking me to make a stand this year against every fighting cell in my body that wanted to take control and diet again. Although the shame has passed and God's grace has filled me again, I am still torn on this issue of the scale. What is the good that can come from it? And what is the bad that can come from it? My fear in weighing is the temptation that it could bring to this challenge I am on and cause me to go off course, finding a way to feed this diet addiction I have. My other fear is to become so out of touch with the scale that I have no benchmark for reference during this year....I know, don't even say it. I hear it...control. That's where it loves to hide it's ugly little head...on the scale.
So I will pray about this issue today and think it through carefully, if you would like to weigh in (LOL), please do.
Sorry for the scattered-ness today....but it seems to come naturally as this has been my way of life the past few days.